I am thankful.

I can hardly believe that this week is Thanksgiving. Man oh man do I ever have much to be thankful for.  I have been trying to make it a daily habit to reflect on my blessings and the ways in which I've seen the hand of the Lord in my life. I truly believe this has been one of my saving graces over the past several years. For amidst troublesome times it can be ever too easy to feel forgotten and forsaken. To feel lonely and so disappointed words can't begin to express the despair. However, I know that we are never forsaken nor left alone and despite difficulties blessings still abound. And when I can recognize them and express gratitude for them, my attitude is changed and my spirit feels strengthened.

I want to share each day this week a few things I am especially thankful for this year. Today I want to share my gratitude for trials. For as long as I can remember I have always heard people speak of being thankful for trials. And I know that for a very long time I didn't understand what they meant at all. I just couldn't grasp what they meant by this comment and it seemed to be one of those things you had to say if you were experiencing difficulties in your life. However, I can honestly now say I get what all those people meant. I can now genuinely say I am thankful for my trials. It is not the difficult circumstances I am thankful for. It is not the memories of shutting myself in my closet and attempting to stifle my cries from my children. It isn't the feelings of rejection or abandonment or disappointment that I would say I am thankful for. It is not my "divorce" that I am thankful for. No, it isn't the actual trial that I am thankful for...it is that through those agonizing events and difficulties of my life that I was able to see just how much my Heavenly Father loved me. He provided me a Savior that suffered for me so that when I fell to my knees in sincere prayer pleading for relief from the hurt that He rescued me and provided much needed relief. And when I begged to be given the strength and energy to wake up each day, go to work, and be a decent mom that I somehow managed to do so. Because He loves me,  I have not been left alone. He has blessed me with friends so dear words cannot express my gratitude adequately. He blessed me with a family that loves me and my children unconditionally and selflessly offers their love and support each and every day. Yes, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. And I love that through my hard times this truth has become an anchor to my soul.  I have been able to feel and see this love each and every day and for that I am ever thankful.

It is also true that trials strengthen us. As hard as it was to read during these trials, I purchased a book by John Bytheway entitled When Times are Tough. It was short and divided into little sections that I prayed I could concentrate on.  I recall one passage that leapt off the page at me... "How can you and I really expect to glide through life as if to say, "Lord give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then, let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!" I felt instantly an almost guilt like feeling that I was claiming to want to be like Christ and yet I was complaining about my current circumstances and difficulties.  In that moment I realized I had the opportunity to improve myself. To become stronger. To strengthen my testimony. To strengthen my convictions. To learn I had capacities and abilities I didn't know I had. To have an opportunity to purify my heart.  To learn how to forgive and use the healing and empowering gift of the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ. To learn how to pray with more sincerity and receive answers I was in desperate need of. I can honestly say that I see a stronger person in my reflection and I feel much gratitude for the opportunity to learn and grow.  And hopefully in some small way I have become more like Him. I love the poem that President Monson, prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, shared at General Conference.

Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.

If you'd like to read/watch the entire talk here is the link... It was most wonderful.
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/i-will-not-fail-thee-nor-forsake-thee?lang=eng

So on this first day of Thanksgiving week, I am thankful for my trials.  For the ability they have given me to know and understand God's love for me and the opportunity they gave me to become stronger than I was before.