amazed.

So I sit here amazed at all of you who commented on my last posting. I seriously have the nicest friends and family. I mean, basically when I re-read my post I must admit I am slightly embarrassed. What a whiner I am! And you all love me and say nice things about me and leave me with great ideas (thanks miss 21 year old who does know a lot! ).

Blogging for me is one of those tricky things. This is my journal. December 31 will conclude this year and I will have a little fun on blurb and then I'll have me a dandy little journal, complete with photos, of 2008. So I want lots of stuff in it - even my feelings when I am whiny and feeling like I am underwater with a faulty straw. Because that is life. And I want to be real. But then I never know how its interpreted by all of my readers! he he.
So I am glad you read my blog and even comment, even when I am a bit whiny. Today when I read it again, I thought this would have sufficed:

Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling like I am not a very nice mama these days. Feeling like I can't get everything done. Wanting to have fun. Wanting to make lasting happy memories. Wanting a clean house and always done laundry. Wanting to get a grip. Wanting time to blog. Wanting to feel peace and love and contentment. Now.

But I rambled on and on. And you read. And commented. And totally made my day. And I totally love you for it. Thanks.

balance

I am looking for some balance in my life. I keep thinking it is just around the corner. That one day I will wake up and I will have achieved the balance I seek. But, I'm still waiting.

You see, I have not blogged in what seems like ages. Not only that, but I haven't even been able to read all the blogs I so enjoy. I take occasional peeks, but not the time I would like. "blogging" was my down time, my just for me time, my take a deep breath and everything will be alright time. I've been missing it. And I have photos and events and stories I want to share. But seriously, there just hasn't been the time. Not time for that and my husband. It seems like late nights are the only chance we have to catch up. Because believe me, with 4 talking kids, its doesn't happen any other time of the day. So then its like I have to choose: blogs or my lover. Lately, he's been winning. But I've been missing keeping up with all of you and your blogs. Have you been missing me like I've been missing you?

That is where this balance thing comes in. I know there has to be a way for me to feel balanced in all areas. I am typically an organized person who can multi-task and get lots done, but lately I feel not so organized. I am enjoying all the things I am doing, I feel that all are important, but I've been just a little on edge. Just a little too stressed. Just a little too quick tempered. Just a little too busy.

I don't want my kids to feel I am too busy. I want to remember to stop with the constant tidying and just listen to them a little more fully. Problem is, some of what I'm always busy with is stuff that has to be done. The laundry has to be done. Food has to be made. And on and on.

Just for myself I am going to write my day. A typical day. Today in fact.

Arise at 6 am and wish that it wasn't already time to get up. Stay in the shower too long, but it just felt too good.
After I am ready its time to wake up Ashley, make sure boys are up. do everyone's hair (except cole's). make pancakes and coleman's lunch. rejoice it was a day the 3 other kids wanted to buy lunch :) meanwhile josh gets coleman ready. kids eat. josh cleans up dishes. I gather work stuff.

7:45 - big kids are off to school. Coleman wants daddy to take him to school. I head off to work.

11:45 got to meet josh for lunch today. best part of the day.

3:15 - pick coleman up from school and head home.

3:30 arrive home. yeah. quick check email. fix cheese and peanut butter crackers for the kids. REmind Mitchel to do his homework. mitch has friend over. i read to coleman and snuggle for 20 minutes - then turn him loose to diego on tv so Ashley can read to me for 20 minutes. clean the kitchen. the dishes were done in the morning, but not floors or counters and its REALLY bugging me. Also all the jackets and backpacks and other random things that seem to be strewn all over the floor instead of the mud room closet where they belong :) breathe, they are little. they need reminders. like a million. Mitchel's friend leaves. Remind Mitchel to finish his homework. Kids and I run to SpeediMart (gas station and little grocery just up the road to get milk and bread.) Come home and make a totally nutritious dinner of grilled cheese and soup. (just one of those days). Josh and I clean up dinner. I change my clothes and head to young womens. Have a great activity on nutrition and fitness and then do 30 minutes of kickboxing. Realize again how out of shape I am. Leave church and run to grocery to get the soup I need for dinner tomorrow night. No, we are not having soup again, but I need it for my crock pot pork chops. Come home to a house full of sleeping children and food in freezer and fridge from Josh's run to Sams while I was gone. Be thankful for a helpful husband. Fall into my big warm bathtub and relax for a few minutes. Feel like crawling into bed, reading Eclipse for just a moment, chatting a bit with Josh and then drifting off to sleep. But despite that it is 10:30, I come downstairs to my computer and start this long blog....and here I sit.


And now its back to that balance issue. I need to get a grip somehow. I am getting most of all the important things done, but not sure I am being the most cheerful and happy mama that I need to be. In fact, I know I am not. I know I grump at them a bit too much for my liking. I know my patience is not what it should be. I don't want this school year to be a blur that we "survived", I want it full of happy moments, of laughter and enjoying each other, and a little bit of down time. I don't want my unorganization to cause stress for anyone else, so I've got to get it together. I've gotta be capable. Its gotta be in me somewhere. Maybe the key to my balanced life is hiding beneath the 3 loads of clean laundry that are currently heaped in a basket overflowing onto my bedroom floor. Totally unfolded. And now totally wrinkled. Love that.

friends.

Last school year Ashley became really good friends with a little girl in our neighborhood and ward. She is a grade younger than Ashley, but they are in the same primary class. Thanks to Liz's willingness to baby-sit Ashley two afternoons a week, Ashley and Kaylie became best of friends. They played together all the time. They seemed to like to play the same things and I was so happy to see Ashley having a best friend. I still remain in touch with the best friend I made while in Kindergarten ( I still remember those play-dates Steph!). Since school has stated up, Ashley doesn't ask quite as often to play with Kaylie. They still play together on occasion but Ashley has also had some other play-dates.

The other afternoon she and I had the following conversation.

Mom: Why don't you play with Kaylie as much anymore? Do you have a new best friend?
Ashley: No. Who do you like more, Kaylie's mom or Emmaline's mom?
Mom: I couldn't pick one. I like them both. I am glad to have both of them for friends.
Ashley: See mom. Picking just one friend to like the best is hard.
Mom: You don't have to have just one friend you like the best. You can like as many friends as you want and you can like them all the same.
Ashley: smiling and relieved. Thanks Mom.

Man I love this girl.

Ashley and Kaylie this summer.

General Conference

What a nice weekend it has been. Although I did not complete all of my household chores like I had anticipated, I did get to sit for 8 hours and listen to a prophet of God speak to me. I love hearing his voice and feeling the burning testimony within me that he, President Thomas S. Monson is called of God and truly is a prophet. I love listening to the apostles speak and teach and give me messages of hope and inspiration. I like that they remind me of the things I need to be doing to get where I want to get. I certainly know what I need to be doing, but the reminders are oh so nice. It seems I am so good at allowing myself to feel too busy for some of the important things in life. Thus the reminders are essential for me. Spoken with such power and conviction, I instantly feel of their truth and have the desire to try harder and to be better. I love that. After this weekend and the counsel I have received I am going to strive really hard to do a few things. My list could be much longer, but then I would surely fail.

I want to make my prayers more meaningful.
I want to remember to laugh and "come what may and love it."
I want to keep the commandments in such a way that I am able to hear the voice of the Savior when He speaks to me.
I want to be okay with change.
I want to spend more time with the people who matter the most.
I want to be a more grateful person.

Sometimes I just sit and feel so blessed. I never have need to doubt. I have no need to fear. I know the Lord is real. I know He hears and answers my prayers. I know that we have a prophet on the earth today, just as Moses or Noah in times of old. And I know that if I but listen to him and heed his counsel, my life will be blessed and so will the life of my family. And I don't have to travel far to hear his words. I sat on my couch this weekend and it was broadcast on a local channel. I can also listen to it on the church's website. Shortly after each session is concluded, that entire session is archived by talk and can be viewed again and again. And soon my Ensign magazine will come and I can read them all again. It is surely easy to hear the word. Now I simply need to heed it.