Forgiveness Epiphany

For as long as I can recall I have been an optimistic and happy person. I don't necessarily think I thought of these adjectives when I thought of myself, but in hindsight I could say those words describe me. During my time of separation and divorce, the few people that were close enough to me to know my struggles often commented about my attitude and my mood and my strength. I honestly just couldn't wrap my brain around what they were really saying. Sure, I knew that despite days where I felt like my heart was very literally breaking I still put on a smile and and put all the energy I could muster into being a good mom.  I knew that despite feeling like my stress would literally kill me, I went to work and put forth real effort to be Christlike to the people I interacted with. Despite feeling like a failure and battling feelings of sadness, I was able to keep moving forward without anger or hard feelings. I thought about the comments and analyzed them frequently. I chalked it up to my nature or this "sunny disposition" and my intrinsic desire to be optimistic. I also knew that Heavenly Father loved  me and wanted me to be happy, so he sent friends to encourage me and keep me afloat. Although I was sure he did that for all his children in need. And while I still believe that to be true, I had an epiphany in church a few weeks ago that provided the answer I've been seeking. Our lesson was on forgiveness and was taken in large part from a talk in a church magazine; the January Ensign. The article is entitled Choosing to Forgive and it was written by Benjamin F. Call. Check it out in its entirety here.  As I listened to the lesson the answer to "how" I managed be happy and hopeful in the face of great difficulty hit me right in the face. The answer = FORGIVENESS.

As I sat an listened to the lesson I knew the difference was I had been able to forgive. In fact I think I was forgiving along the way to a degree. It sounds so simple now as I write this and yet it never really dawned on me that it was the miracle of forgiveness that allowed me to feel peace. happiness. hope. It removed the anger and allowed me to see light at the end of the tunnel. I looked back upon my life and realized I have had opportunities throughout my life to learn the art of forgiveness. And those past opportunities made it all the easier to embrace it this time around. I know it is true that when we forgive ourselves and those that hurt us, our outlook is forever changed and peace and hope will reside within us. For this I am eternally thankful. Here are a few of my favorite thoughts from the article.

As a cardiologist, I attended a conference for physicians several years ago about the importance of forgiveness. I learned there of scholarly studies showing that choosing to forgive leads to better health, increased optimism, and better relationships with others.¹ In my study of the words of God, I have learned that forgiving others also brings great spiritual blessings, including peace and hope.

To forgive is to pardon an offense. It is to let go of blame for a past hurt. It is to release a great burden. It is to move ahead with life.

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”

“Forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

It can be difficult to find the strength to forgive, but the Savior and His Atonement make it possible. Truly, as we open our hearts to forgive others, we will be blessed with peace. Let us each embrace the healing power of forgiveness.

looking back on 2013

 I picked back up blogging late in the game, and will never have the time to thoroughly document 2013, but I'm going to attempt a year in review. I want to at least hit the highlights before the memories fade and I forget all of the things I have learned.

I wrapped up my fellowship year in speech-language pathology in October and was awarded my certification from the American Speech and Hearing Association. I had never been so happy to receive an email in my entire life. At the urging of a dear friend, I spent a few moments reflecting on the road that led me to that point. The details are neatly recorded in my journal. It was fun to read it again. As life moves forward, we have a tendency to forget hardships. This is a good thing, but its also good to see the journey from start to finish. In those moments of reflection I was able to see the tender mercies and my heart is filled with joy. There were a lot of hoops to jump through and I met my share of obstacles in order to finish all this schooling business... but as I looked back on it all, I felt such gratitude for all the people that blessed my life during this time. I continually had an outpouring of love and support from so many people. I have been truly blessed along this journey and I will be ever thankful for that.

I passed the year divorce mark and slowly feel like I am getting the hang of this single/working mom gig. Dating has been nonexistent and I feel fortunate to not be too worried about that. But people always ask...so I am making it known. No, I didn't turn anti-marriage or into a man hater or anything of the sort. Just been giving myself time to completely heal. Time to figure some things out. Time to re-discover myself to an extent. Time to enjoy my kids without the worry of a relationship. But yeah, I don't want to remain single forever. When I think about that, I currently can't decide what I miss more - being loved or loving somebody. Pretty sure that could be a separate blog post.

I have learned the hard way that I am unable to do this on my own.  I have to lean on the Lord and ask for His help daily. I have continued to find peace in the scriptures and I know my strength increases when I pour out my heart in prayer. And the comfort I feel in the temple cannot be measured. These truths are rooted in my soul and yet I still have days I find myself neglecting to spend the needed time with spiritual things...and that's when I feel myself sinking. Apparently I am a slow learner. Luckily my memory comes back before I go under completely!

One of my greatest blessings is my mom. She is loving, kind, and constantly has both arms outstretched to help and to love. This past year I was fortunate enough to enjoy a couple of getaways with her. I always like the little escape from reality and I couldn't ask for better company. In April we hit Scottsdale, AZ and enjoyed wonderful shopping and basked in the sun as much as possible. It was simply perfect.

  

In October, we hit St George. We chatted our faces off, went to a show at Tuacahn, and enjoyed the sun. 

Justin. 15. Wildest and busiest year of all my kids. Wrapped up middle school enjoying being student body president and excelling on the track team. Spent the summer going to basketball camps, taking driver's ed, and participating in the summer cross country program with the high school. Began high school. Had a serious injury on that first day resulting in a major hand surgery leaving him without the use of his right hand for two months. Physical therapy. Missed cross country season. Unable to try out for basketball. Learned to write left handed. Maintained a positive attitude. Got braces off. Got driver's license. Managed a tough school schedule (spent several a night stressed to the max). Registered for the Ogden Marathon. I watched him grow up almost overnight it seemed this past year. He's mature. Nice. Optimistic. Analytical. Always looking out for his mom.

Mitchel. 13. Middle School. Track. Turned super social. Thoroughly enjoyed watching him spend his weekends with friends. Discovered joy in texting. I LOVE  his ability to build and put things together. This year, he single handedly assembled our trampoline with net enclosure and our new treadmill. He's learning to juggle school and his social life. Loves to host parties for his friends. Mallet Finger  (google it...its crazy weird) which meant a splint for 6 weeks and no basketball for him either. He is starting to gear up for the upcoming track season and I am excited to watch him excel without having to be in his older brother's shadow. He's a hard worker. Creative. Funny. Helpful. Daredevil.

Ashley. 11. 6th grade. Growing like a weed. Anxious to turn 12 next month so she can start attending the Young Women's program at our church. She loves to babysit and is happy her client base is expanding. She is a social butterfly and loves to make up dances and movies with her besties. She takes piano and is super excited her teacher got her some one direction music! She was on a swim club this year and became an excellent swimmer. So fun watching her excel at something she once had such a fear of. Ashley is kind. Always smiling. Peacemaker. Selfless. Artist.

Coleman. 8. 2nd grade. Coleman added to the excitement this year by breaking his left arm a week after Justin's injury. His arm was a bit slow to heal and hew as in a cast for 8 weeks. September was a crazy month at our house - in addition to injuries, Coleman was baptized.  I can hardly believe my baby turned 8! Coleman LOVES basketball. He plays on a team, spends hours playing in his room on his over the door hoop, watching ESPN,  and playing NBA 2k14 on the PS3. He is loving school and I've been so happy with the confidence his teacher has instilled in him. He joined all his sibling in the poor vision club. He makes us laugh constantly. Coleman is Happy. Funny. Tall. Smart. And lover of McDonalds.

The summer of 2013 was so much fun. We enjoyed a family vacation to Hawaii, a get away to Island Park, family reunions, swimming and lots of time with family and friends. I will make separate posts for summer cuz there is so much to share....

I love being a mother and spending time with my kids. I could do without the piles of laundry, lunches to pack, and grocery store trips...

However, there is nothing better than a hug from one of my children. A note left on my bed. Or the words, "Mom, I wanna talk." Yeah, being a mom is not my only job, but it's definitely my favorite one.  I felt so insecure at mothering teens and I know I have made my share of mistakes, but I am getting the hang of things and we are having fun. I thank my Heavenly Father daily for blessing me with these 4 amazing kids. Looking forward to an amazing 2014.