I am thankful. part 3.

I am thankful for my parents.

I have been blessed with wonderful parents. I  have uniquely different relationships with both of my parents and yet both have been vital. I can see how much I needed both examples to become the person I am today.

From my Dad I learned determination, generosity, to always have a plan B, the importance of an education, and to believe in and then work for the impossible.
From my mom I learned Christlike love, kindness, compassion, charity, work, and selflessness.

There have been times in my life when I felt a need to stand beside my husband at the expense of losing the close relationship with my parents I had always enjoyed. I remember the heart ache this caused me and the unsettling feelings that I had. I recall the arguments about "loyalty" and I remember how none of it felt right to me. But I didn't know what else to do. I desperately wanted to save my marriage.

Since my divorce, I reflect often on how quickly my parents reached out to me. How quick they were to love me and support me and forgive me for the time that had passed with little contact. I know I caused them hurt. I can only imagine the sadness they must have felt to see me pulling away my family from them when they had done so much to offer love and support to my entire family for a very long time.  My life and my children's lives are definitely blessed by their influence.

I have always felt grateful for my parents. However, the past several years have given me an even greater appreciation for the gift of my good parents in my life. I could list a million reasons illustrating all the little things they do on a daily basis for me or my children. But what it really boils down to is this: my parents love unconditionally, selflessly support, and sincerely forgive. How blessed I am.

I am thankful. part two.

I am thankful for my employment.

In the year 2007 various circumstances required me to forego my lifelong dream of being a stay at home mom and entering the world of working moms. It was a bit scary and I was saddened to leave my little one, and yet at the same time I felt so blessed in finding the job I did. And now I see the trickle effect it had on where I am today...

 I got a job in the school district where my children attended and little two year old Coleman was cared for by some wonderful women. As I began working, I learned that it may be possible to get my Master's degree in speech pathology online. I've told the rest of that story on here before so I won't repeat it. But I can't help but see the hand of the Lord guiding me to where I am today.  I actually look forward to going to work each day. I am not saying I don't ever wish for the good old days when I had more time with my children and my house actually was clean. But I refuse to live in the past and instead attempt to embrace the life that is now mine. Okay, sometimes those dreams still creep in, but I shush them away...

I have fond memories of visiting my Dad's parents in their nursing home. I loved going there. I loved seeing them and yes, I enjoyed seeing the other residents also. I  recall relishing every single second I could spend with my mom's parents.  I always had a deep love for the "older generation". I felt I had so much I could learn from them and my spirit just felt such peace when I was in the presence of older people. Now, as true as that is, most people that know me also know my love for little children. I dreamed of having 6 of my own. I babysat all the time when I was a youth and I continue to enjoy children. I remember being in graduate school and wondering what my passion really was. Which population would I enjoy the most day in and day out? Well, lucky me I work with both! I spend part of my day at a rehabilitation clinic where I am blessed to work with that "older generation" and I spend part of my day at an outpatient clinic where I primarily work with pediatrics. In one day I could easily work with a ninety year old and a 2 year old. I seriously feel like I have the best of both worlds and I feel so fortunate.

My job is rewarding for several reasons. The obvious is the the job itself is a rewarding one. Teaching a child to speak correctly (or talk at all), helping a youth gain the social skills necessary to be more successful in life, watching the brain injured adult be able to return to work after months of therapy, and seeing a stroke patient safely swallow a meal of their choice is all extremely rewarding to me. However, none of that can touch the personal connection I have been able to make with patients and colleagues alike. I look forward to work each day because the people I have the opportunity to interact with enrich my life immensely. My heart is continually full of gratitude for the people in my life all because of employment. It is another testament to me that God is ever mindful of me. Sure I have to work long days and I have the responsibility of being the provider now. But to counter that, He gave me wonderful coworkers and patients that literally keep me going each and every day. I often stop and smile when I think of the timing of all of this. People were placed in my life when I needed them most. Yes, this year, I am thankful for the blessing of my employment.

I am thankful.

I can hardly believe that this week is Thanksgiving. Man oh man do I ever have much to be thankful for.  I have been trying to make it a daily habit to reflect on my blessings and the ways in which I've seen the hand of the Lord in my life. I truly believe this has been one of my saving graces over the past several years. For amidst troublesome times it can be ever too easy to feel forgotten and forsaken. To feel lonely and so disappointed words can't begin to express the despair. However, I know that we are never forsaken nor left alone and despite difficulties blessings still abound. And when I can recognize them and express gratitude for them, my attitude is changed and my spirit feels strengthened.

I want to share each day this week a few things I am especially thankful for this year. Today I want to share my gratitude for trials. For as long as I can remember I have always heard people speak of being thankful for trials. And I know that for a very long time I didn't understand what they meant at all. I just couldn't grasp what they meant by this comment and it seemed to be one of those things you had to say if you were experiencing difficulties in your life. However, I can honestly now say I get what all those people meant. I can now genuinely say I am thankful for my trials. It is not the difficult circumstances I am thankful for. It is not the memories of shutting myself in my closet and attempting to stifle my cries from my children. It isn't the feelings of rejection or abandonment or disappointment that I would say I am thankful for. It is not my "divorce" that I am thankful for. No, it isn't the actual trial that I am thankful for...it is that through those agonizing events and difficulties of my life that I was able to see just how much my Heavenly Father loved me. He provided me a Savior that suffered for me so that when I fell to my knees in sincere prayer pleading for relief from the hurt that He rescued me and provided much needed relief. And when I begged to be given the strength and energy to wake up each day, go to work, and be a decent mom that I somehow managed to do so. Because He loves me,  I have not been left alone. He has blessed me with friends so dear words cannot express my gratitude adequately. He blessed me with a family that loves me and my children unconditionally and selflessly offers their love and support each and every day. Yes, I know that my Heavenly Father loves me. And I love that through my hard times this truth has become an anchor to my soul.  I have been able to feel and see this love each and every day and for that I am ever thankful.

It is also true that trials strengthen us. As hard as it was to read during these trials, I purchased a book by John Bytheway entitled When Times are Tough. It was short and divided into little sections that I prayed I could concentrate on.  I recall one passage that leapt off the page at me... "How can you and I really expect to glide through life as if to say, "Lord give me experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal, and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences which made Thee what Thou art! Then, let me come and dwell with Thee and fully share Thy joy!" I felt instantly an almost guilt like feeling that I was claiming to want to be like Christ and yet I was complaining about my current circumstances and difficulties.  In that moment I realized I had the opportunity to improve myself. To become stronger. To strengthen my testimony. To strengthen my convictions. To learn I had capacities and abilities I didn't know I had. To have an opportunity to purify my heart.  To learn how to forgive and use the healing and empowering gift of the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ. To learn how to pray with more sincerity and receive answers I was in desperate need of. I can honestly say that I see a stronger person in my reflection and I feel much gratitude for the opportunity to learn and grow.  And hopefully in some small way I have become more like Him. I love the poem that President Monson, prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, shared at General Conference.

Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.

If you'd like to read/watch the entire talk here is the link... It was most wonderful.
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/i-will-not-fail-thee-nor-forsake-thee?lang=eng

So on this first day of Thanksgiving week, I am thankful for my trials.  For the ability they have given me to know and understand God's love for me and the opportunity they gave me to become stronger than I was before.

I have been wanting to write on this blog for quite some time... and yet "time" is something that always seems to get away from me. So I decided this weekend I would actually make it a goal instead of just a good thought. As I pulled up my blog and looked at the date stamp of the last post I could hardly believe my eyes!  Its been nearly a year since my last post. No wonder I've had the itch to write. I then couldn't help but read through numerous old posts. So many memories. So many things I had forgotten. Many things I didn't even recall writing down. I decided tonight that I need to write more frequently. Not because anyone else needs to read it or cares,  but because of the things I need to record. Because I care. A year has passed. My life has changed a lot in this year. And as I sat here I didn't even really know where to begin. I thought about turning off the computer and crawling into bed with my new novel instead. And then it hit me. I'll write about reading...kind of random, but it may be a good place to start.

For as long as I can remember, I've loved to read. I remember hitting the B Dalton bookstore in Northlake Mall in Tucker, Georgia with my Dad as a little girl. I remember my Dad being willing to buy me as many books as I wanted. And I remember going to the bookstore often. I still have boxes of those books.... Amelia Bedelia, Babysitters Club, Sweet Valley High... and on and on. Both of my parents were avid readers and it was just part of me.

 Over the past few years, I have been unable to read. I would buy new novels from my favorite authors and they would sit on my bedside table and I would attempt to read, and to my disappointment, I could not read. My mind could not be still enough to concentrate on the words on the page. I so desperately wanted to escape my life and sink into the story line of a good book. Reading was always a form of escape for me. Some people read for knowledge and I did occasionally, but usually I was reading for enjoyment and I liked entering another world through reading. So when my life began to crumble around me and I spent my days racking my brain for solutions to my failing marriage, I longed to leave my world of hurt and struggle and despair. For just a few minutes at night when I was alone in my room and the kids were in bed I wanted that escape and yet, my mind was in a constant buzz. This continued for almost two years.

As I write this blog post, it's been almost one year since my divorce was final. Much has changed in my life and in the life of my family. And I will be the first to say that my new life definitely has its challenges. However, I have been blessed with peace of mind, a greater sense of who I am, and a sense of contentment that is difficult to express. The words of Deiter F. Uchtdorf ring much truth to my soul" ... God's light is real. It is available to all. It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound." The Lord loves you individually and knows all of your pain. When you allow the infinite love of the Savior to heal your hurt, you will experience miracles as you find yourself enveloped in blessings and peace from God. But that is a post for another day.

This summer as I was packing for our family vacation and thinking about the long airplane rides, I tossed a few novels into my carry-on bag and hoped I could actually read them... And to my astonishment, I could. Over the course of the summer I enjoyed several new books and I felt so refreshed. It may seem trivial to  most, but to me it signifies that I am regaining a balance in life. Yes, my life is busy and more difficult than I ever anticipated, but I am slowly figuring it out and I am at peace with where I am. And the occasional escape into a good book is ever refreshing.

growing up.

Over the past few years, the "busy-ness" of life seems to have made time fly... and my kids grew up before my eyes. When I glance at them as we run out the door in the mornings I get stopped in my tracks ... they are growing up so quickly and are changing so fast.... and I think I'm so busy with the day to day grind of working and running a household that I often look forward to the day's end and crashing in bed rather than savoring these fleeting moments. I need to slow down...

Justin is 14 and is in the 8th grade. Last year he decided (on what seemed to be a whim to his mom) to run for student body president of his middle school. To my shock and amazement, he won! I love how he teaches me lessons of confidence and determination. He is a good student and a good leader. He loves playing basketball, texting, Facebook, and friends. He cares about other's feelings and tries to make those around him happy. 

Mitchel is 12 and is a 7th grader. He is adjusting to middle school and is a good student. He is my go-to chore boy as he is good with his hands and is a hard worker.  He had a little lawn mowing business over the summer and mowed about 4 lawns a week, earning some nice cash much to the jealousy of his siblings.  He is creative and also my inventor. This often leads to messes which can put his mom over the edge, but I trying to exercise patience as he creates and explodes things around the house. He loves basketball, music, the outdoors, and playing games. 

Ashley is 10 and is a 5th grader. She is a ray of sunshine and is always smiling. People are always communing on her "sweetness" and its true. She is as nice as they come. She is little miss creative and loves to draw and do anything involving arts and crafts. She loves Taylor Swift, dancing, clothes and friends. She giggles a lot and is constantly thinking of and doing nice things for other people. 

Coleman is 7 and is in the first grade. He is definitely the baby of the family and is perfecting his attention seeking behaviors. He is a good reader and loves his teacher at school. He is cheerful and is constantly making me laugh. He is more care-free than the other 3 combined. My other kids are perfectionists when it comes to school...not Coleman. He is known to say things like, "I'll just tell my teacher I'm gonna turn that homework in late. " or when we totally spaced studying for spelling one week, Coleman gets in the car after school and casually says, " oh man, I don't think I got a single word right!" The other kids would have been in tears and feared failure of the entire grade. He loves playing with Ashley, all electronic devices, and getting snacks from the gas station up the road. 

I have mentioned before my visions of motherhood stopped around Kindergarten. I knew how to parent those babies and toddlers. It was as natural to me as breathing. I am in a totally new world, but I find I am getting in a groove and am learning to love it. I see young moms with baby carriers and diaper bags and I am not one bit sad it is not me. I will always love holding my friend's newborns, but, I am so content with my 4 and the phase of life we are in. It's new and exciting and frightful all at the same time. I'm grateful for good kids who teach me so much each day. I love how they love me, are quick to forgive and quick to trust. I love that we are attending "real" basketball games, youth temple trips, late nights with friends, and that everyone can bathe themselves!  SO grateful for these wonderful kids and the opportunity I have to be their mom.

graduated.finally.

This blog has been neglected for ages.  I've missed taking the time to reflect a bit. Recording thoughts and feelings and the events happening in my life. At the gentle prodding of a dear friend, I'm going to attempt to get back into the groove of writing again. And I must admit I am excited about the idea of reflecting and recording being a priority amidst the chaos of life.
I had no idea where to begin. I mean, its been a little over two years since my last post on this blog. As I contemplated my "first" post, this dear friend said, " You need to write about graduation and all you have accomplished..." I instantly thought of some awful Christmas brag letter we are all too familiar with and I pushed the thought far from my mind. Again, the gentle encouragement to record for my kids the accomplishment of going back to graduate school. This time instead of the brag letter, I thought about the good things that can happen amidst adversity. And I realized I want my kids to set goals. I  want them to know that even when all the odds seem stacked against them and they feel like giving up is the only option, that hanging on and persevering is also an option. And its the option I hope they take. Because in the end it all pays off. And all the tears, heartache, despair and feelings of failure... eventually make the achievement all the sweeter. Yes, the achievement of finally receiving that Masters Degree Diploma.... and the opportunities that has given me.... tastes pretty sweet right now.

Getting here was a bit rocky.... I applied to graduate school in February 2008. After careful consideration I chose to attend Western Kentucky University - as part of their online cohort. I took my first class in the summer of 2008. Come fall, I was working full time for the school district as an "SLP" on a provisional contract while taking a full load of graduate classes, serving in the YW presidency, and raising kiddos. I recall people always asking me.... "how do you do it?" I remember thinking, I do it because that is what the plan is and it needs to be done.  Sure it was overwhelming at times, but quitting any one of the things making me "busy" was not an option.... Stumbling blocks began as I was unable to go to Kentucky that first summer for clinic. This put externships back a year, which meant pushing back graduation. But at the time, I just kept feeling like 2009 was not the summer to leave my family. 2010 rolled around and I went to KY for 5 weeks. Loved the cohort I was with and the friends I made. Returned home, and I continued taking classes, working, and completing externships to earn my 400 clinical hours necessary for graduation. The summer of 2011 brought great disappointment as all of my summer plans for my third and final clinical externship  fell through one by one. Graduation once again slipped through my fingertips. Fall rolled around and I continued working for the school district and I hoped and prayed that I could obtain a contract for an externship for the summer of 2012. I needed a medical type placement working with adults. Long story short, I got an externship site worked out. And now that I'm on the other side looking back I can honestly say, it was all for the best. The externship experience was extraordinary. My supervisor taught me more in 40 days than I thought possible. Lasting friendships were forged. I landed two jobs. I discovered loves and skills I didn't know I had. And at the end of it all I find myself saying, the Lord knows me.  I wanted things on my timeline. I did not want to exercise patience....but that was not the plan. And it was not the plan because ultimately, He knows best. And when we have faith and do our part, things eventually work out.

Katharine McPhee - Terrified ft. Zachary Levi

I love music. No, I am not musical in any way, shape, or form. I cannot sing at all nor do I play an instrument.  When I say I love music, I mean listening to it.  Josh and I love to quiz each other on singers and song titles. We love listening to music together and finding music that somehow has meaning to us in some way. We love all types of music and we especially love selecting music for home videos.  We are always looking for songs and making movies and slideshows in our heads....more often than not they stay in our heads and never make it to imovie but we still look and listen and create.

My latest favorite song was discovered by Josh, emailed to me while I was in Kentucky, and I can't even think back to when I liked a song as much as I like this one.  I seriously could put it on repeat and let it play again and again. Okay so I've done that at least a handful of times. I love everything about it.  And seriously, who knew Chuck could sing.  And I mean wow- he is good.  like really good. So, take a listen.  I'm telling you, you're gonna love it.